missouri.

so i went to Missouri by way of Arkansas from May 29 to June 2. i mainly went to visit my best friend Candace, her boyfriend Justin and their children Natalya and Noah. i hadn't seen Noah before. he's just precious. absolutely precious.

i didn't tell anyone i was going until i'd already left, and even then i only told a few people. i debated leaving saturday or sunday or even going at all. i never told M. i didn't want him to know. i wanted him to wonder where i was and what i was doing. i also haven't been updating facebook or twitter lately. i've been keeping to myself quite a bit. i just don't have much desire to see people or let people know what i'm doing. but more on that later.

i was so happy to get to Missouri. candace was going through some stuff and of course i've been so torn up lately about the stuff with M and life in general. we needed each other. it was a great escape. we went to the lake with justin's family and hung out on the boat. we went thrift store shopping that morning and watched sex and the city dvd. on tuesday we went to branson to go shopping and also went to see her brothers. then wednesday, i left.

Natalya tore me up. she didn't want me to go back to Texas and even told me a few times that she wanted to come with me. she's the cutest little girl. she sat on the bed with me every morning while i got dressed and put on makeup. it was our time. one day as i was putting on makeup, she asked me, "Tina, why don't you watch me grow up?" and i told her that i was watching her grow up. the first time i saw her, she was just a few months old. now she's almost four years old. she said that she meant why didn't i watch her every day. she said, "Don't you want to Tina?"

it's amazing how little children can pick up on things and be so wise. i do want to watch Natalya grow up. and Noah. every time i see her, i'm amazed at how much she has changed. i see her about twice a year - usually every six months or so. she's always changed so much since the last time that it astounds me. i wish i could be there every day to see it happening so gradually that you don't even notice it. i'm her godmother for goodness sake!

but Natalya made me realize something else. what do i have here where i live? seriously, what do i have?

i have an empty apartment. i have a bunch of "friends" but i only have a few people who i really care about hanging out with. what's sadder is that most of the people who live here are people who i could let go of if i had to. i haven't been hanging out with very many people lately and there are reasons for that. but the one person who i will always hang out with is randy. as candace is like my sister, randy and i are so close that he is like my brother. i do not know what i'd do... i can't imagine living somewhere that randy's not. i just can't imagine it. sometimes, i wish that he would move so that i could. because if he moved first, then it'd be easier for me to leave. why do we fear change so much?

but really - in missouri, i have a family. i have candace and natalya and now noah. and candace's brothers. and i'd make friends.

i feel like i'm stuck.

and for what?

9:11 AM 0 imprints on my clumsy heart