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Oh hello. I am Christina. I'm 26. My favorite things are: writing love on my arms, watching movies, laughing, baking brownies, mac 'n' cheese, taking road trips, Disney, writing, playing Guitar Hero and DDR, milk and cookies, smiling, Audrey Hepburn movies, singing Beatles songs, cheering for the Dallas Cowboys, playing board and card games, reading books, watching General Hospital, dancing, and, most importantly, spending time with my friends.

Quote of the Moment:
“I love people who make me laugh. I honestly think it's the thing I like most, to laugh. It cures a multitude of ills. It's probably the most important thing in a person.” - Audrey Hepburn

Mood: i'm good.
Music: pretending.




Friday, June 4, 2010
make it stop.

please.
make this stop.
i can't do it any more.
i don't want to do it any more.
sometimes i wish i wasn't breathing.

why do i do this?
what is wrong with me?
why can't i be like somebody else?

this mess with him is making me seriously start to hate myself. i'm supposed to be strong and independent. i've been through a lot of shit in my life and it hasn't been easy but i've gotten through it. why can't i just get through this? why?

my dad left me when i was a kid. i survived. my mom had to work a lot to provide and i was left home to take care of myself at an early age. i survived. i had a long relationship in college and he cheated. i survived. i moved another city after college where a fucking married man with three sons my age flirted with me, constantly hit on me and eventually tried to push things further. i survived. i was fired from my first job. i survived. i moved across the state. i survived. my job requires me to see and deal with things that i sometimes think no person should ever have to encounter. i survived. i live on my own and sometimes it isn't easy. i survived. i've had friends who have come and gone; friends who have committed suicide. i survived. the first serious relationship i got into since college ended because it just wasn't working. i survived. my mom and i had a huge falling out and i thought she was losing her mind. i survived.

now here i am in love with a person who used to be my best friend. he's not really any more. he doesn't want to be. i still want him to. and i can't let go. i have gotten through everything else just fine. it hasn't been easy but i've never felt this way for this long. never. why can't i let it go? i can't keep doing this. i don't want to. i can't see any way out right now. i just want to stop feeling this way. i want to be miss independent again. i want to be the person i was. part of me wants to anyway. and the other part of me likes who i am now - more social, more ... i don't know. i just want this pain to stop.