Quote of the Moment:
“I love people who make me laugh. I honestly think it's the thing I like most, to laugh. It cures a multitude of ills. It's probably the most important thing in a person.” - Audrey Hepburn
“I love people who make me laugh. I honestly think it's the thing I like most, to laugh. It cures a multitude of ills. It's probably the most important thing in a person.” - Audrey Hepburn
Mood: i'm good.
Music: pretending.
Music: pretending.
Previously:
missouri.
the fight.
make it stop.
what is there.
how long.
lost.
oh dear.
coca-cola cupcakes.
bad luck.
boom boom pow.
missouri.
the fight.
make it stop.
what is there.
how long.
lost.
oh dear.
coca-cola cupcakes.
bad luck.
boom boom pow.
January 2010
February 2010
March 2010
April 2010
May 2010
June 2010
July 2010
August 2010
November 2010
June 2011
May 2012
February 2010
March 2010
April 2010
May 2010
June 2010
July 2010
August 2010
November 2010
June 2011
May 2012
Saturday, June 5, 2010
the first girl.
thursday night was bad. early friday more was bad. it was just a bad time.
M asked me to go to mcdonalds for lunch. and i said yes. i'm so weak sometimes. it was my first day back and he didn't exactly know in advance i was going to be gone. i talked. he talked. he volunteered information. it was nice. we mentioned maybe watching a movie later and later i texted him about watching a movie and he said not tonight.
so i started watching sex and the city dvds. and i heard his car unlock about 9:45. his car has a very distinct sound when it clicks open, and i heard it above the dvds. didn't think much of it. then about an hour later, i heard it unlock again and he went somewhere. i wondered where he was going at almost 11 p.m. but wasn't too worried about it. i did feel like something was a bit off though and i did get that slight rush in my chest.
i have serious problems with hyperventilating. so i tried not to think too much of it. i kept watching satc and talked to some friends on the phone. i finally laid down about 12:30 a.m. to go to bed. at about 12:45, i heard his car pull in. i feel stupid now. so stupid. but i couldn't help myself at the time. something seemed amiss. so - all the lights out - i peeked out the blinds. and then i saw her. this girl. she was in his car. in his passenger seat. she got out of the car and they went into his apartment.
i lost it. i started breathing erratically and my chest was beating so hard.
she was the first girl. besides me, no female has been into his apartment except his mother, his sister and his grandmother. there was one time when his ex brought him a cat, but i don't really count that. she dropped off the cat and left.
all that i could think of is the fact that he has no seating in his apartment. he has a recliner in his living room. it's extra-wide and can seat two people. we cuddle in it. upstairs, he has his bed. there's nowhere else to sit. my mind jumped to all kinds of conclusions. i texted my friend marie. i was so upset.
when he and i are together, he flirts and smiles and gives me these looks. looks that i know only i get. like when he says something that he knows i'm going to react to and i when i look up, he's looking at me in that certain way. then other times, he's cold as can be. but when things are good, it makes it hard to let go. and we're so back and forth, back and forth.
anyway, this girl left after like 20 minutes in his apartment. so it wasn't that big a deal. but it still made me freak out and she was still the first girl. i just freaked. she could have been a friend who he hadn't seen in a long time. but i don't think it's like that. actually, i don't know what to think because he's not open about things. his actions shutting me out cause me to wonder what's going on. then i snoop. then i get caught. then he gets mad. it's the cycle of things. if he was open, then there'd be no snooping. whatever. it hurts all the same.
M asked me to go to mcdonalds for lunch. and i said yes. i'm so weak sometimes. it was my first day back and he didn't exactly know in advance i was going to be gone. i talked. he talked. he volunteered information. it was nice. we mentioned maybe watching a movie later and later i texted him about watching a movie and he said not tonight.
so i started watching sex and the city dvds. and i heard his car unlock about 9:45. his car has a very distinct sound when it clicks open, and i heard it above the dvds. didn't think much of it. then about an hour later, i heard it unlock again and he went somewhere. i wondered where he was going at almost 11 p.m. but wasn't too worried about it. i did feel like something was a bit off though and i did get that slight rush in my chest.
i have serious problems with hyperventilating. so i tried not to think too much of it. i kept watching satc and talked to some friends on the phone. i finally laid down about 12:30 a.m. to go to bed. at about 12:45, i heard his car pull in. i feel stupid now. so stupid. but i couldn't help myself at the time. something seemed amiss. so - all the lights out - i peeked out the blinds. and then i saw her. this girl. she was in his car. in his passenger seat. she got out of the car and they went into his apartment.
i lost it. i started breathing erratically and my chest was beating so hard.
she was the first girl. besides me, no female has been into his apartment except his mother, his sister and his grandmother. there was one time when his ex brought him a cat, but i don't really count that. she dropped off the cat and left.
all that i could think of is the fact that he has no seating in his apartment. he has a recliner in his living room. it's extra-wide and can seat two people. we cuddle in it. upstairs, he has his bed. there's nowhere else to sit. my mind jumped to all kinds of conclusions. i texted my friend marie. i was so upset.
when he and i are together, he flirts and smiles and gives me these looks. looks that i know only i get. like when he says something that he knows i'm going to react to and i when i look up, he's looking at me in that certain way. then other times, he's cold as can be. but when things are good, it makes it hard to let go. and we're so back and forth, back and forth.
anyway, this girl left after like 20 minutes in his apartment. so it wasn't that big a deal. but it still made me freak out and she was still the first girl. i just freaked. she could have been a friend who he hadn't seen in a long time. but i don't think it's like that. actually, i don't know what to think because he's not open about things. his actions shutting me out cause me to wonder what's going on. then i snoop. then i get caught. then he gets mad. it's the cycle of things. if he was open, then there'd be no snooping. whatever. it hurts all the same.