Quote of the Moment:
“I love people who make me laugh. I honestly think it's the thing I like most, to laugh. It cures a multitude of ills. It's probably the most important thing in a person.” - Audrey Hepburn
“I love people who make me laugh. I honestly think it's the thing I like most, to laugh. It cures a multitude of ills. It's probably the most important thing in a person.” - Audrey Hepburn
Mood: i'm good.
Music: pretending.
Music: pretending.
Previously:
make it stop.
what is there.
how long.
lost.
oh dear.
coca-cola cupcakes.
bad luck.
boom boom pow.
hey! there's an app for that.
funerals.
make it stop.
what is there.
how long.
lost.
oh dear.
coca-cola cupcakes.
bad luck.
boom boom pow.
hey! there's an app for that.
funerals.
January 2010
February 2010
March 2010
April 2010
May 2010
June 2010
July 2010
August 2010
November 2010
June 2011
May 2012
February 2010
March 2010
April 2010
May 2010
June 2010
July 2010
August 2010
November 2010
June 2011
May 2012
Saturday, June 5, 2010
the fight.
it happened on may 22. i've avoided writing about it. i've been trying to accept it. but as with most things, i haven't.
i wanted to go see McGruber in theaters. i asked him to go on friday but there was a church fire and he had to work late that night. the next day i texted to ask about dinner and hopefully a movie but he never responded. so i went to dinner with one of my other friends. after dinner i decided to go to the movie myself.
he was there with two friends, C an K. it hurt. i sat by myself. i barely watched the movie. i was so hurt. i knew things hadn't been good between us but i didn't realize we'd gotten to that point. it felt like we weren't even being friends any more and that upset me most.
after the movie i saw them in the lobby. it was awkward. i knew K wondered why i hadn't sat with them. i was glad. i was sure she put M on the spot. she and i chatted briefly. her asking if i liked the movie and whatnot. M didn't acknowledge me, nor i him. i didn't stay long. left.
i went home and decided to sit in my car until he got home. it didn't take long. he pulled in right behind me.
i got out of my car closed the door and said, "what the fuck?" he simultaeously said, "did you see us?" i told him i'd seen them but didn't sit with them because i hadn't been invited. he tried to turn things around on me and i yelled that it wasn't about a movie. it was about the fact that i didn't feel like we were even friends any more. he got a little quiet and asked why i'd read his text messages a week or so before. it was true. i had borrowed his phone one day to text someone and i'd seen a text to a girl that peaked my interest. i was looking for something - anything - to explain his behavior of ignoring me. i explained this to him. i told him if he was interested in someone that it was fine and that it made sense, but just to tell me. i told him that he was pushing me away. he said that he'd just been spending more time alone, that he didn't know what he had to do or say to make me understand that. he said that things like that - me reading his texts - make him want to push me away. but he never fully does. he said he was annoyed with me.
i basically felt like things were over. completely.
trust was broken and trust is hard to get back. it takes a lot of time. i know he doesn't fully trust me right now, and he shouldn't. but my action was a reaction to how he was treating me. it isn't justified, but it's my reason for what i did.
i didn't talk to him all week except about work stuff, then on May 28, he texted me to ask if i wanted to watch a movie. like a fucking coward, i gave in and said yes. so we watched a movie and we talked and it felt real. there was no making out, nothing physical. just us. as friends. having a good time. it felt like things used to feel. if i can get that part back, i'll be so thankful for it. i want it all. i do. but if i can just have my friend back - truly back - i won't make the same mistakes i've made before.
i wanted to go see McGruber in theaters. i asked him to go on friday but there was a church fire and he had to work late that night. the next day i texted to ask about dinner and hopefully a movie but he never responded. so i went to dinner with one of my other friends. after dinner i decided to go to the movie myself.
he was there with two friends, C an K. it hurt. i sat by myself. i barely watched the movie. i was so hurt. i knew things hadn't been good between us but i didn't realize we'd gotten to that point. it felt like we weren't even being friends any more and that upset me most.
after the movie i saw them in the lobby. it was awkward. i knew K wondered why i hadn't sat with them. i was glad. i was sure she put M on the spot. she and i chatted briefly. her asking if i liked the movie and whatnot. M didn't acknowledge me, nor i him. i didn't stay long. left.
i went home and decided to sit in my car until he got home. it didn't take long. he pulled in right behind me.
i got out of my car closed the door and said, "what the fuck?" he simultaeously said, "did you see us?" i told him i'd seen them but didn't sit with them because i hadn't been invited. he tried to turn things around on me and i yelled that it wasn't about a movie. it was about the fact that i didn't feel like we were even friends any more. he got a little quiet and asked why i'd read his text messages a week or so before. it was true. i had borrowed his phone one day to text someone and i'd seen a text to a girl that peaked my interest. i was looking for something - anything - to explain his behavior of ignoring me. i explained this to him. i told him if he was interested in someone that it was fine and that it made sense, but just to tell me. i told him that he was pushing me away. he said that he'd just been spending more time alone, that he didn't know what he had to do or say to make me understand that. he said that things like that - me reading his texts - make him want to push me away. but he never fully does. he said he was annoyed with me.
i basically felt like things were over. completely.
trust was broken and trust is hard to get back. it takes a lot of time. i know he doesn't fully trust me right now, and he shouldn't. but my action was a reaction to how he was treating me. it isn't justified, but it's my reason for what i did.
i didn't talk to him all week except about work stuff, then on May 28, he texted me to ask if i wanted to watch a movie. like a fucking coward, i gave in and said yes. so we watched a movie and we talked and it felt real. there was no making out, nothing physical. just us. as friends. having a good time. it felt like things used to feel. if i can get that part back, i'll be so thankful for it. i want it all. i do. but if i can just have my friend back - truly back - i won't make the same mistakes i've made before.