Quote of the Moment:
“I love people who make me laugh. I honestly think it's the thing I like most, to laugh. It cures a multitude of ills. It's probably the most important thing in a person.” - Audrey Hepburn
“I love people who make me laugh. I honestly think it's the thing I like most, to laugh. It cures a multitude of ills. It's probably the most important thing in a person.” - Audrey Hepburn
Mood: i'm good.
Music: pretending.
Music: pretending.
Previously:
she pauses.
missing.
lazy cat.
photo project.
start of shopping season.
maps.
GED.
ew.
oh my dears.
lions n lambs.
she pauses.
missing.
lazy cat.
photo project.
start of shopping season.
maps.
GED.
ew.
oh my dears.
lions n lambs.
January 2010
February 2010
March 2010
April 2010
May 2010
June 2010
July 2010
August 2010
November 2010
June 2011
May 2012
February 2010
March 2010
April 2010
May 2010
June 2010
July 2010
August 2010
November 2010
June 2011
May 2012
Sunday, June 20, 2010
two dolla' hooker.
hoe yeah i was a hooker. i dressed up as a prostitute for a photo for the newspaper. i was on the front page dressed as cheap ass hoe fo sho. it was funny. i laughed my ass off.
jimmy was doing a story on prostitution and we needed a photo to go with it. unfortunately we can't photograph real prostitutes cause, you know, we'd be identifying them and they could get arrested and stuff. so jimmy talked to michael about photos and michael suggested dressing me up as a prostitute. it was just a joke, but then jimmy got on the bandwagon and eventually i ended up dressed as a lady of the evening... though my photo shoot happened during the daylight hours.
on thursday, i went home and changed into black heels, a short black skirt that barely covered my booty, a sheer white tank top with a black bra underneath and i rolled the tank up so my belly showed. the photo is of me on the highway bending over into jimmy's passenger side window "soliciting him." you can't see my face cause i let my hair hang down. that was the only way i'd do it -- if my face wasn't shown.
anyway, the photo was our lead image on friday's front page. i thought it was hilarious. you take the most virginal girl in the newsroom and trash her up good.
jimmy was doing a story on prostitution and we needed a photo to go with it. unfortunately we can't photograph real prostitutes cause, you know, we'd be identifying them and they could get arrested and stuff. so jimmy talked to michael about photos and michael suggested dressing me up as a prostitute. it was just a joke, but then jimmy got on the bandwagon and eventually i ended up dressed as a lady of the evening... though my photo shoot happened during the daylight hours.
on thursday, i went home and changed into black heels, a short black skirt that barely covered my booty, a sheer white tank top with a black bra underneath and i rolled the tank up so my belly showed. the photo is of me on the highway bending over into jimmy's passenger side window "soliciting him." you can't see my face cause i let my hair hang down. that was the only way i'd do it -- if my face wasn't shown.
anyway, the photo was our lead image on friday's front page. i thought it was hilarious. you take the most virginal girl in the newsroom and trash her up good.
Saturday, June 19, 2010
scramblewiches.
Scramblewiches are one of my favorite recipes to make. Rachael Ray is a genius. The recipe is super easy to make, not very expensive, quick, and it's so yummy. It makes a great breakfast or dinner. I highly recommend it.
The recipe is below. I used deli-sliced turkey as my meat of choice and topped it with Swiss cheese. Turkey and Swiss was yummy. I also didn't add the parsley or chives just because it wasn't to my taste, but you can if you like. This whole process only took about 10-15 minutes and it's a delicious meal.
Scramblewiches (serves 4)
1 baguette
2 tablespoons unsalted butter
1/2 pound deli-sliced meat of your choice (ham, turkey, etc.)
8 large eggs
1 teaspoon hot sauce
salt and pepper
4 deli slices of cheese of your choice (Swiss, American, cheddar, etc.)
chopped fresh chives or parsley
Preheat oven to 200 degrees Fahrenheit.
Crisp the bread in low oven, split it lengthwise and hollow it out.
Cut each bread in half, then across making four boats.
Turn the broiler on.
Heat large skillet over medium heat. Add butter and melt it. Add meat and cook for 3 minutes.
In a bowl beat the eggs with the milk, hot sauce, salt and pepper. Add to meat and scramble. Leave the eggs soft because they'll cook a little more in the oven.
Divide eggs among the bread, cover with cheese. Melt cheese in broiler. Don't let the cheese bubble just melt it. Garnish with chives or parsley and serve.
Friday, June 18, 2010
stagehand.
do you ever just randomly remember something that you'd thought you'd forgotten? a random memory that you had completely forgotten about?
tonight i was texting a friend and he said "behind the scenes stuff." when he wrote that i said, "do you have to wear all black like those theater people?" that triggered a memory from high school that i'd long forgotten.
one time i was a stagehand. you know, the people who go around setting up props and stuff in between acts in a play.
see, i was in choir all throughout high school. you might be wondering how i got from prissy choir girl to "stagehand" and trust me, i'd be wondering that, too. at my high school choir and theater didn't go together. but i promise you i got there.
my choir director had an assistant. she was our pianist. she also gave private voice lessons. and her kids who did the voice lessons had to put on a spring show where they sang their little songs using props on a stage and she needed a stagehand. i don't really know why she asked me but she did. so i did it. i had to wear all black. it wasn't a theater play but i still had to go on the stage and set the props up. only it was between each song, not just between two acts. and there were a bunch of songs.
i don't even remember her name - the pianist. but she was really sweet. she paid me and i didn't expect that. i think maybe she asked me because she knew my family didn't have much money. she probably thought she could be nice. she gave me $30. it was an extremely kind gesture. i wish i could remember her name. i'm glad i randomly remembered the experience though.
it made me feel good when she asked me to do it. at the time it made me feel needed for something and i remember what i was going through then. i needed to feel needed. and the money was nice. we really didn't have much of it. but more than anything i felt like someone had picked me to do something that she really needed help with. now i realize the kids could have set up the few props they used themselves.
i hope i can do something like that for a kid some day. a small gesture can give you such a sense of self-worth. it's amazing, really. you never know what difference such a little thing can make.
tonight i was texting a friend and he said "behind the scenes stuff." when he wrote that i said, "do you have to wear all black like those theater people?" that triggered a memory from high school that i'd long forgotten.
one time i was a stagehand. you know, the people who go around setting up props and stuff in between acts in a play.
see, i was in choir all throughout high school. you might be wondering how i got from prissy choir girl to "stagehand" and trust me, i'd be wondering that, too. at my high school choir and theater didn't go together. but i promise you i got there.
my choir director had an assistant. she was our pianist. she also gave private voice lessons. and her kids who did the voice lessons had to put on a spring show where they sang their little songs using props on a stage and she needed a stagehand. i don't really know why she asked me but she did. so i did it. i had to wear all black. it wasn't a theater play but i still had to go on the stage and set the props up. only it was between each song, not just between two acts. and there were a bunch of songs.
i don't even remember her name - the pianist. but she was really sweet. she paid me and i didn't expect that. i think maybe she asked me because she knew my family didn't have much money. she probably thought she could be nice. she gave me $30. it was an extremely kind gesture. i wish i could remember her name. i'm glad i randomly remembered the experience though.
it made me feel good when she asked me to do it. at the time it made me feel needed for something and i remember what i was going through then. i needed to feel needed. and the money was nice. we really didn't have much of it. but more than anything i felt like someone had picked me to do something that she really needed help with. now i realize the kids could have set up the few props they used themselves.
i hope i can do something like that for a kid some day. a small gesture can give you such a sense of self-worth. it's amazing, really. you never know what difference such a little thing can make.
Monday, June 14, 2010
drowning.
there are times when i try to block out the memories and there are other times when i can't. like now.
i was just flooded with it. the night he gave me a blue coconut popsicle after a long day at work. the night we first did our chugga-chugga-chugga choo-choo. the night at papacita's when he first paid for my dinner. the way he hugged me and walked with me in the streets of downtown austin. the morning after our first night together when he wouldn't let me out of bed and when he held my hand as we walked through stores. laying in his arms in the recliner watching disney movies. nights of talking about unicorn dreams. him wishing me merry christmas at the stroke of midnight. him saying he missed his best friend while she was gone. nights of pool hopping. the rocket slide. the night we played basketball when i first realized how much i cared about him. cuddling with him and feeling safe.
i feel like i'm drowning. i want it back but i can't get it back. and i can't overcome it. and i don't really want to. i just want to drown in it.
i was just flooded with it. the night he gave me a blue coconut popsicle after a long day at work. the night we first did our chugga-chugga-chugga choo-choo. the night at papacita's when he first paid for my dinner. the way he hugged me and walked with me in the streets of downtown austin. the morning after our first night together when he wouldn't let me out of bed and when he held my hand as we walked through stores. laying in his arms in the recliner watching disney movies. nights of talking about unicorn dreams. him wishing me merry christmas at the stroke of midnight. him saying he missed his best friend while she was gone. nights of pool hopping. the rocket slide. the night we played basketball when i first realized how much i cared about him. cuddling with him and feeling safe.
i feel like i'm drowning. i want it back but i can't get it back. and i can't overcome it. and i don't really want to. i just want to drown in it.
fun. fun.
had a good weekend. i did. went to a tomato festival that was lots of fun and hung out with friends saturday. fun. fun.
sunday i had a me day. went to a movie. got lunch. went shopping. watched tv. fun. fun.
last sunday i spent almost 12 hours with him - swimming, watching movies, eating pizza.
while this weekend was fun, it wasn't happiness. last sunday. last sunday was happiness. we had a good, communicative week. it was good.
i feel so tense and on edge though when i don't talk to him. like yesterday's sunday and today. i worry about what he's doing and who he's doing it with. he's probably sitting at home alone but i don't know that. so i worry.
fun. fun.
sunday i had a me day. went to a movie. got lunch. went shopping. watched tv. fun. fun.
last sunday i spent almost 12 hours with him - swimming, watching movies, eating pizza.
while this weekend was fun, it wasn't happiness. last sunday. last sunday was happiness. we had a good, communicative week. it was good.
i feel so tense and on edge though when i don't talk to him. like yesterday's sunday and today. i worry about what he's doing and who he's doing it with. he's probably sitting at home alone but i don't know that. so i worry.
fun. fun.
Sunday, June 6, 2010
can't breathe.
i feel like i can't breathe right now. last night was bad. i need to get out of here. i kind of wish God would take my breath away so this would stop. the last time this happened three years ago i swore it would never happen again. and it is. and i can't stop it.
Saturday, June 5, 2010
the first girl.
thursday night was bad. early friday more was bad. it was just a bad time.
M asked me to go to mcdonalds for lunch. and i said yes. i'm so weak sometimes. it was my first day back and he didn't exactly know in advance i was going to be gone. i talked. he talked. he volunteered information. it was nice. we mentioned maybe watching a movie later and later i texted him about watching a movie and he said not tonight.
so i started watching sex and the city dvds. and i heard his car unlock about 9:45. his car has a very distinct sound when it clicks open, and i heard it above the dvds. didn't think much of it. then about an hour later, i heard it unlock again and he went somewhere. i wondered where he was going at almost 11 p.m. but wasn't too worried about it. i did feel like something was a bit off though and i did get that slight rush in my chest.
i have serious problems with hyperventilating. so i tried not to think too much of it. i kept watching satc and talked to some friends on the phone. i finally laid down about 12:30 a.m. to go to bed. at about 12:45, i heard his car pull in. i feel stupid now. so stupid. but i couldn't help myself at the time. something seemed amiss. so - all the lights out - i peeked out the blinds. and then i saw her. this girl. she was in his car. in his passenger seat. she got out of the car and they went into his apartment.
i lost it. i started breathing erratically and my chest was beating so hard.
she was the first girl. besides me, no female has been into his apartment except his mother, his sister and his grandmother. there was one time when his ex brought him a cat, but i don't really count that. she dropped off the cat and left.
all that i could think of is the fact that he has no seating in his apartment. he has a recliner in his living room. it's extra-wide and can seat two people. we cuddle in it. upstairs, he has his bed. there's nowhere else to sit. my mind jumped to all kinds of conclusions. i texted my friend marie. i was so upset.
when he and i are together, he flirts and smiles and gives me these looks. looks that i know only i get. like when he says something that he knows i'm going to react to and i when i look up, he's looking at me in that certain way. then other times, he's cold as can be. but when things are good, it makes it hard to let go. and we're so back and forth, back and forth.
anyway, this girl left after like 20 minutes in his apartment. so it wasn't that big a deal. but it still made me freak out and she was still the first girl. i just freaked. she could have been a friend who he hadn't seen in a long time. but i don't think it's like that. actually, i don't know what to think because he's not open about things. his actions shutting me out cause me to wonder what's going on. then i snoop. then i get caught. then he gets mad. it's the cycle of things. if he was open, then there'd be no snooping. whatever. it hurts all the same.
M asked me to go to mcdonalds for lunch. and i said yes. i'm so weak sometimes. it was my first day back and he didn't exactly know in advance i was going to be gone. i talked. he talked. he volunteered information. it was nice. we mentioned maybe watching a movie later and later i texted him about watching a movie and he said not tonight.
so i started watching sex and the city dvds. and i heard his car unlock about 9:45. his car has a very distinct sound when it clicks open, and i heard it above the dvds. didn't think much of it. then about an hour later, i heard it unlock again and he went somewhere. i wondered where he was going at almost 11 p.m. but wasn't too worried about it. i did feel like something was a bit off though and i did get that slight rush in my chest.
i have serious problems with hyperventilating. so i tried not to think too much of it. i kept watching satc and talked to some friends on the phone. i finally laid down about 12:30 a.m. to go to bed. at about 12:45, i heard his car pull in. i feel stupid now. so stupid. but i couldn't help myself at the time. something seemed amiss. so - all the lights out - i peeked out the blinds. and then i saw her. this girl. she was in his car. in his passenger seat. she got out of the car and they went into his apartment.
i lost it. i started breathing erratically and my chest was beating so hard.
she was the first girl. besides me, no female has been into his apartment except his mother, his sister and his grandmother. there was one time when his ex brought him a cat, but i don't really count that. she dropped off the cat and left.
all that i could think of is the fact that he has no seating in his apartment. he has a recliner in his living room. it's extra-wide and can seat two people. we cuddle in it. upstairs, he has his bed. there's nowhere else to sit. my mind jumped to all kinds of conclusions. i texted my friend marie. i was so upset.
when he and i are together, he flirts and smiles and gives me these looks. looks that i know only i get. like when he says something that he knows i'm going to react to and i when i look up, he's looking at me in that certain way. then other times, he's cold as can be. but when things are good, it makes it hard to let go. and we're so back and forth, back and forth.
anyway, this girl left after like 20 minutes in his apartment. so it wasn't that big a deal. but it still made me freak out and she was still the first girl. i just freaked. she could have been a friend who he hadn't seen in a long time. but i don't think it's like that. actually, i don't know what to think because he's not open about things. his actions shutting me out cause me to wonder what's going on. then i snoop. then i get caught. then he gets mad. it's the cycle of things. if he was open, then there'd be no snooping. whatever. it hurts all the same.
missouri.
so i went to Missouri by way of Arkansas from May 29 to June 2. i mainly went to visit my best friend Candace, her boyfriend Justin and their children Natalya and Noah. i hadn't seen Noah before. he's just precious. absolutely precious.
i didn't tell anyone i was going until i'd already left, and even then i only told a few people. i debated leaving saturday or sunday or even going at all. i never told M. i didn't want him to know. i wanted him to wonder where i was and what i was doing. i also haven't been updating facebook or twitter lately. i've been keeping to myself quite a bit. i just don't have much desire to see people or let people know what i'm doing. but more on that later.
i was so happy to get to Missouri. candace was going through some stuff and of course i've been so torn up lately about the stuff with M and life in general. we needed each other. it was a great escape. we went to the lake with justin's family and hung out on the boat. we went thrift store shopping that morning and watched sex and the city dvd. on tuesday we went to branson to go shopping and also went to see her brothers. then wednesday, i left.
Natalya tore me up. she didn't want me to go back to Texas and even told me a few times that she wanted to come with me. she's the cutest little girl. she sat on the bed with me every morning while i got dressed and put on makeup. it was our time. one day as i was putting on makeup, she asked me, "Tina, why don't you watch me grow up?" and i told her that i was watching her grow up. the first time i saw her, she was just a few months old. now she's almost four years old. she said that she meant why didn't i watch her every day. she said, "Don't you want to Tina?"
it's amazing how little children can pick up on things and be so wise. i do want to watch Natalya grow up. and Noah. every time i see her, i'm amazed at how much she has changed. i see her about twice a year - usually every six months or so. she's always changed so much since the last time that it astounds me. i wish i could be there every day to see it happening so gradually that you don't even notice it. i'm her godmother for goodness sake!
but Natalya made me realize something else. what do i have here where i live? seriously, what do i have?
i have an empty apartment. i have a bunch of "friends" but i only have a few people who i really care about hanging out with. what's sadder is that most of the people who live here are people who i could let go of if i had to. i haven't been hanging out with very many people lately and there are reasons for that. but the one person who i will always hang out with is randy. as candace is like my sister, randy and i are so close that he is like my brother. i do not know what i'd do... i can't imagine living somewhere that randy's not. i just can't imagine it. sometimes, i wish that he would move so that i could. because if he moved first, then it'd be easier for me to leave. why do we fear change so much?
but really - in missouri, i have a family. i have candace and natalya and now noah. and candace's brothers. and i'd make friends.
i feel like i'm stuck.
and for what?
i didn't tell anyone i was going until i'd already left, and even then i only told a few people. i debated leaving saturday or sunday or even going at all. i never told M. i didn't want him to know. i wanted him to wonder where i was and what i was doing. i also haven't been updating facebook or twitter lately. i've been keeping to myself quite a bit. i just don't have much desire to see people or let people know what i'm doing. but more on that later.
i was so happy to get to Missouri. candace was going through some stuff and of course i've been so torn up lately about the stuff with M and life in general. we needed each other. it was a great escape. we went to the lake with justin's family and hung out on the boat. we went thrift store shopping that morning and watched sex and the city dvd. on tuesday we went to branson to go shopping and also went to see her brothers. then wednesday, i left.
Natalya tore me up. she didn't want me to go back to Texas and even told me a few times that she wanted to come with me. she's the cutest little girl. she sat on the bed with me every morning while i got dressed and put on makeup. it was our time. one day as i was putting on makeup, she asked me, "Tina, why don't you watch me grow up?" and i told her that i was watching her grow up. the first time i saw her, she was just a few months old. now she's almost four years old. she said that she meant why didn't i watch her every day. she said, "Don't you want to Tina?"
it's amazing how little children can pick up on things and be so wise. i do want to watch Natalya grow up. and Noah. every time i see her, i'm amazed at how much she has changed. i see her about twice a year - usually every six months or so. she's always changed so much since the last time that it astounds me. i wish i could be there every day to see it happening so gradually that you don't even notice it. i'm her godmother for goodness sake!
but Natalya made me realize something else. what do i have here where i live? seriously, what do i have?
i have an empty apartment. i have a bunch of "friends" but i only have a few people who i really care about hanging out with. what's sadder is that most of the people who live here are people who i could let go of if i had to. i haven't been hanging out with very many people lately and there are reasons for that. but the one person who i will always hang out with is randy. as candace is like my sister, randy and i are so close that he is like my brother. i do not know what i'd do... i can't imagine living somewhere that randy's not. i just can't imagine it. sometimes, i wish that he would move so that i could. because if he moved first, then it'd be easier for me to leave. why do we fear change so much?
but really - in missouri, i have a family. i have candace and natalya and now noah. and candace's brothers. and i'd make friends.
i feel like i'm stuck.
and for what?
the fight.
it happened on may 22. i've avoided writing about it. i've been trying to accept it. but as with most things, i haven't.
i wanted to go see McGruber in theaters. i asked him to go on friday but there was a church fire and he had to work late that night. the next day i texted to ask about dinner and hopefully a movie but he never responded. so i went to dinner with one of my other friends. after dinner i decided to go to the movie myself.
he was there with two friends, C an K. it hurt. i sat by myself. i barely watched the movie. i was so hurt. i knew things hadn't been good between us but i didn't realize we'd gotten to that point. it felt like we weren't even being friends any more and that upset me most.
after the movie i saw them in the lobby. it was awkward. i knew K wondered why i hadn't sat with them. i was glad. i was sure she put M on the spot. she and i chatted briefly. her asking if i liked the movie and whatnot. M didn't acknowledge me, nor i him. i didn't stay long. left.
i went home and decided to sit in my car until he got home. it didn't take long. he pulled in right behind me.
i got out of my car closed the door and said, "what the fuck?" he simultaeously said, "did you see us?" i told him i'd seen them but didn't sit with them because i hadn't been invited. he tried to turn things around on me and i yelled that it wasn't about a movie. it was about the fact that i didn't feel like we were even friends any more. he got a little quiet and asked why i'd read his text messages a week or so before. it was true. i had borrowed his phone one day to text someone and i'd seen a text to a girl that peaked my interest. i was looking for something - anything - to explain his behavior of ignoring me. i explained this to him. i told him if he was interested in someone that it was fine and that it made sense, but just to tell me. i told him that he was pushing me away. he said that he'd just been spending more time alone, that he didn't know what he had to do or say to make me understand that. he said that things like that - me reading his texts - make him want to push me away. but he never fully does. he said he was annoyed with me.
i basically felt like things were over. completely.
trust was broken and trust is hard to get back. it takes a lot of time. i know he doesn't fully trust me right now, and he shouldn't. but my action was a reaction to how he was treating me. it isn't justified, but it's my reason for what i did.
i didn't talk to him all week except about work stuff, then on May 28, he texted me to ask if i wanted to watch a movie. like a fucking coward, i gave in and said yes. so we watched a movie and we talked and it felt real. there was no making out, nothing physical. just us. as friends. having a good time. it felt like things used to feel. if i can get that part back, i'll be so thankful for it. i want it all. i do. but if i can just have my friend back - truly back - i won't make the same mistakes i've made before.
i wanted to go see McGruber in theaters. i asked him to go on friday but there was a church fire and he had to work late that night. the next day i texted to ask about dinner and hopefully a movie but he never responded. so i went to dinner with one of my other friends. after dinner i decided to go to the movie myself.
he was there with two friends, C an K. it hurt. i sat by myself. i barely watched the movie. i was so hurt. i knew things hadn't been good between us but i didn't realize we'd gotten to that point. it felt like we weren't even being friends any more and that upset me most.
after the movie i saw them in the lobby. it was awkward. i knew K wondered why i hadn't sat with them. i was glad. i was sure she put M on the spot. she and i chatted briefly. her asking if i liked the movie and whatnot. M didn't acknowledge me, nor i him. i didn't stay long. left.
i went home and decided to sit in my car until he got home. it didn't take long. he pulled in right behind me.
i got out of my car closed the door and said, "what the fuck?" he simultaeously said, "did you see us?" i told him i'd seen them but didn't sit with them because i hadn't been invited. he tried to turn things around on me and i yelled that it wasn't about a movie. it was about the fact that i didn't feel like we were even friends any more. he got a little quiet and asked why i'd read his text messages a week or so before. it was true. i had borrowed his phone one day to text someone and i'd seen a text to a girl that peaked my interest. i was looking for something - anything - to explain his behavior of ignoring me. i explained this to him. i told him if he was interested in someone that it was fine and that it made sense, but just to tell me. i told him that he was pushing me away. he said that he'd just been spending more time alone, that he didn't know what he had to do or say to make me understand that. he said that things like that - me reading his texts - make him want to push me away. but he never fully does. he said he was annoyed with me.
i basically felt like things were over. completely.
trust was broken and trust is hard to get back. it takes a lot of time. i know he doesn't fully trust me right now, and he shouldn't. but my action was a reaction to how he was treating me. it isn't justified, but it's my reason for what i did.
i didn't talk to him all week except about work stuff, then on May 28, he texted me to ask if i wanted to watch a movie. like a fucking coward, i gave in and said yes. so we watched a movie and we talked and it felt real. there was no making out, nothing physical. just us. as friends. having a good time. it felt like things used to feel. if i can get that part back, i'll be so thankful for it. i want it all. i do. but if i can just have my friend back - truly back - i won't make the same mistakes i've made before.
Friday, June 4, 2010
make it stop.
please.
make this stop.
i can't do it any more.
i don't want to do it any more.
sometimes i wish i wasn't breathing.
why do i do this?
what is wrong with me?
why can't i be like somebody else?
this mess with him is making me seriously start to hate myself. i'm supposed to be strong and independent. i've been through a lot of shit in my life and it hasn't been easy but i've gotten through it. why can't i just get through this? why?
my dad left me when i was a kid. i survived. my mom had to work a lot to provide and i was left home to take care of myself at an early age. i survived. i had a long relationship in college and he cheated. i survived. i moved another city after college where a fucking married man with three sons my age flirted with me, constantly hit on me and eventually tried to push things further. i survived. i was fired from my first job. i survived. i moved across the state. i survived. my job requires me to see and deal with things that i sometimes think no person should ever have to encounter. i survived. i live on my own and sometimes it isn't easy. i survived. i've had friends who have come and gone; friends who have committed suicide. i survived. the first serious relationship i got into since college ended because it just wasn't working. i survived. my mom and i had a huge falling out and i thought she was losing her mind. i survived.
now here i am in love with a person who used to be my best friend. he's not really any more. he doesn't want to be. i still want him to. and i can't let go. i have gotten through everything else just fine. it hasn't been easy but i've never felt this way for this long. never. why can't i let it go? i can't keep doing this. i don't want to. i can't see any way out right now. i just want to stop feeling this way. i want to be miss independent again. i want to be the person i was. part of me wants to anyway. and the other part of me likes who i am now - more social, more ... i don't know. i just want this pain to stop.
make this stop.
i can't do it any more.
i don't want to do it any more.
sometimes i wish i wasn't breathing.
why do i do this?
what is wrong with me?
why can't i be like somebody else?
this mess with him is making me seriously start to hate myself. i'm supposed to be strong and independent. i've been through a lot of shit in my life and it hasn't been easy but i've gotten through it. why can't i just get through this? why?
my dad left me when i was a kid. i survived. my mom had to work a lot to provide and i was left home to take care of myself at an early age. i survived. i had a long relationship in college and he cheated. i survived. i moved another city after college where a fucking married man with three sons my age flirted with me, constantly hit on me and eventually tried to push things further. i survived. i was fired from my first job. i survived. i moved across the state. i survived. my job requires me to see and deal with things that i sometimes think no person should ever have to encounter. i survived. i live on my own and sometimes it isn't easy. i survived. i've had friends who have come and gone; friends who have committed suicide. i survived. the first serious relationship i got into since college ended because it just wasn't working. i survived. my mom and i had a huge falling out and i thought she was losing her mind. i survived.
now here i am in love with a person who used to be my best friend. he's not really any more. he doesn't want to be. i still want him to. and i can't let go. i have gotten through everything else just fine. it hasn't been easy but i've never felt this way for this long. never. why can't i let it go? i can't keep doing this. i don't want to. i can't see any way out right now. i just want to stop feeling this way. i want to be miss independent again. i want to be the person i was. part of me wants to anyway. and the other part of me likes who i am now - more social, more ... i don't know. i just want this pain to stop.
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
what is there.
I've had such a good time here. I don't want to leave.
I'm a little tipsy right now so I shouldn't be blogging.
Seriously though, I don't want to leave Missouri tomorrow. What do I have to go back to? A big, empty apartment. A love who doesn't love me. Loneliness. Isolation. Work is the primary place I catch a glimpse of happiness. It's sad. I'm sad a lot. Very, very sad.
Why does my happiness have to fucking depend on him? Why doesn't he want me?
I constantly ask myself, what's wrong with me?
It's depressing.
Tell me, is this the life of your dreams?
I'm a little tipsy right now so I shouldn't be blogging.
Seriously though, I don't want to leave Missouri tomorrow. What do I have to go back to? A big, empty apartment. A love who doesn't love me. Loneliness. Isolation. Work is the primary place I catch a glimpse of happiness. It's sad. I'm sad a lot. Very, very sad.
Why does my happiness have to fucking depend on him? Why doesn't he want me?
I constantly ask myself, what's wrong with me?
It's depressing.
Tell me, is this the life of your dreams?