happy birthday to him.

Happy birthday.

Today is his birthday. He's at a concert with one of his best friends in North Texas. His friend is married to a lovely woman and they had a baby in 2008. The baby died in early 2009. It's been devastatingly hard on them. I couldn't imagine losing a child. My mom did. People always say things like "if something happened to my child I couldn't go on living" or "if something happened to my husband/wife/boyfriend/girlfriend/best friend/sister/brother/whoever I couldn't go on living" ... but somehow we do. Somehow.

Anyway, M and B haven't spent a whole of time together since the baby died. So I am so, so glad that he is getting to see his friend. I think it will be good for both of them.

We went out last night. The night just amused me.

First of all, I got upset with him Friday night because we were supposed to watch a movie. Well, he said "maybe." Then I got home from seeing Krystal at 10:15 or so. He was already home. I texted. I called. I went to his door. I knocked multiple times on his door. He didn't answer. He didn't text. Nothing. I got so mad. I was fuming. I went home and stewed. Eventually I sent him a text that said "Yes or no is not difficult. You know crap like this bothers me and you know it hurts. Why m?" He didn't respond. I told a friend that night that I felt like the reason he'd ignored me was because I wasn't home when he got home from work. He does stuff like this sometimes. It's like - if I'm not there when he wants me, then he goes on without me. He used to not be that way. But I guess there were a few too many times when he had to wait and I guess he got tired of waiting.

Saturday morning I decided to go visit my family. I got to Mineola and stopped. He and I talked. The first thing he said was that he was asleep the night before. No excuse, I said. He should have told me he was going to bed. He didn't intend to go to sleep, he said. He was watching a movie. So he started watching a movie without me when we were supposed to watch it together. "Well, you weren't home when I got home," he said. Jackass. I wanted to strangle him. Instead I said, "Are you sure you don't want to do ANYthing for your birthday?" And he said he was thinking about getting some people together for dinner. Was that a yes, a no, or a maybe? It was a probably, he said. Wtf. I needed more reassurance than that. I was halfway to Sherman. He said probably was the best he could do. I said fine, hung up and turned around. About 5:15, I got a call asking if 9:30 at Chili's would work. I told him it'd be fine.

So we went to Chili's. Me, him, Katie, Jimmy, and three of his friends from Tyler - Kelly, Zach, Jared. Courtney was coming after work. Other peoples were out of town. So we sat at a long booth - each side sat three people - with a chair at the end. M took the chair. Me and Kelly each slid in either side of the booth. Then Katie next to me and Zach next to her. Then Jimmy next to Katie and Jared next to Zach. Me and Katie talked. Kelly and Zach talked. Jimmy, Jared and M talked. But a lot of the time, M would look at me when he was talking even though I was at the opposite end of the table. It felt weird being so far away from him, especially at his birthday dinner. Jimmy, Jared and Zach left right after dinner. The four of us chatted a bit. M asked me if I'd had a good time and I said yes. He said good. Then we left.

Courtney pulled into the parking lot as we were leaving. So Kelly went back to Tyler and me, M, C and K went to the bowling alley to have drinks at the bar there. Well, first we went to another bar but there was a live band playing and we didn't want to pay a cover. So then we went to the bowling alley. I almost suggested going to Gerald's and boy am I glad I didn't cause it turns out his ex was there last night. That would have been so bad. I would not have been a happy person to have seen her. So anyway, to the bowling alley we went. Beer for them. Rum for me. We sat. We talked. I love C and K. I miss spending time with them. Things with M and I are so weird right now and I don't get to see them like I used to. K asked M if he'd waited until 6:30 to send out a mass text message to everybody - it was a very last minute dinner. He told her he had. I felt kinda special then because he'd called me more than an hour before that to see if it was ok with me. So anyway, he added that he wouldn't even have had the dinner if "she hadn't been bugging me." Basically, he said he had the dinner for me. I don't really know how to take that. I'm going to try not to analyze it though like I do everything. I took it as something sweet though. And later, K asked him what he was doing today - on his birthday birthday. He said he was going to a concert but he couldn't tell her the band because I don't know the band. He does stuff like this to tease me. A few days ago I asked him what band he was seeing and he wouldn't say because he knows it bugs me when he doesn't answer questions. So he told K he'd tell her later and he told her he wouldn't tell her because he does it to bother me. He does it to tease me and it's clearly in a good-humored way. So I'm going to try to stop feeling like my feelings are hurt when he doesn't answer simple questions cause he is doing it to tease me ... which I guess is kinda flirty. I just rolled my eyes at him.

We feel so couple-y when we're out. With C and K, it especially felt like a double date. At dinner, I started talking to K about the new Alice in Wonderland movie. She said she wasn't going to mention it because "I wasn't sure if y'all had seen it yet." When she said "y'all" she kind of glanced down at M and back at me. Later, the three of them were talking about a comic book movie that opens soon that they're all super excited about. K looked at me and said, "You're coming" and she kind of glanced at M. It's so obvious that it's ridiculous.

Oh well.

Then it started snowing. Snow flurries everywhere and on his birthday of all days. It was magical goodness.

I love him and I hope he had a great weekend.

9:54 PM 0 imprints on my clumsy heart